MUTTERINGS FROM THE PATIO
(A synopsis of comments overheard on the patio, suitably edited by Web Spy.
Well, what a difference a month makes! Following the election of our first lady Club Captain, the boys are queuing up to get on the bandwagon and first in line in the A Team organizer as depicted left. We knew there are some creative souls residing in the Club, but clearly our Si is detemined to get well in with the lovely Helen as quickly as possible. What will he wear for the first A team fixture?It's February and the stalwarts haul themselves into the clubhouse kicking the snow off their boots and discuss the merits of playing the Blue course under a new layout. Yes folks, they are still at it several hours later and having put the world to rights, wend their way to the car park under the watchful eye of the new Club Mascot - Boz the Buzzard. He's not yet trained to nick sandwiches from the patio tables, but he is getting closer to the kitchen doorway. Members are requested to keep an eye out for Keith the Crow and report back if he has any bald patches! He's back! Web Spy is pleased to announce that The Skipper has fully recovered from his recent mental frailty and conducted a rivetting performance at the Mens Presentation evening. How can anyone show such panache, style and screen idol good looks on a Friday night deep in rural Worcestershire? Our Super Skip certainly did and the assembled penguins, sitting tidily in rows flapped their short wings in unison in besotted appreciation. and begging the question - how do you follow that - well, Evesham may have found a solution. Based on one evening's viewing, the Skipper-in-waiting, Baz Scattergun Saggers might be the man to step up to the plate. Called upon at a minute's notice to announce the seasonal winners, Baz slayed the mob with dry asides, sly digs and utter disregard for the heckling and finally sat down to a rousing acknowledgement. The King is almost dead - Long live the King! Is he showing Skroyd-like symptoms? The beloved Skipper recently played a Pro-Captain challenge and got comprehensivley stuffed 7 & 5 and reacted by withdrawing from the impending Winter League draw. Not much it that you might say; but weigh the facts (a) Skip had lent on Merv the Swerve to be his partner and (b) Merv historically had played with Prof Tarry, but felt the kudos of playing with the Skip was overwhelming. At the draw, the Prof made suitably subdued noises that he wasn't going to be second best and the outcome? None of them are in the League. The curse of the Avon strikes again! Our ex Hon Sec JD nobley went to assist a fellow player to find a lost ball and on returning to his top of the line Power Caddy, loaded with the latest Ping bats, found an empty fairway. Consternation reigned for a few minutes until the Skipper( who, it must be said has an arrangement with the Police Authority) donned his Sherlock guise and sniffing loudly, proceeded along barley discernable tracks in the rough to the river's edge. Only a wheel protruded from the depths. To the rescue came our tame Croat, Merv the Swerve, who leaning over the murky torrent, hauled in the trolley whilst shouting instructions to the other three about where to support his anatomy. Not a pretty sight. The good news is that despite the adventure, JD reported that all clubs were present and although feeling unable to continue his round, re-appeared later for a welcome drink. Dashing Dave Lippett, almost unrecognisable in newish sweater and slacks, saw off the field by 3 shots to win the Centenary Cup Invitation. Concern has been expressed that he has been cleaning up his act due to complaints from Chairman Skroyd that he alone had bragging rights over the acceptable level of scruffiness on the course, and Dashing Dave repricocated by giving way to the mentally challenged Chairman. Good win, DD, watch out for your new handicap, and all grudges have been wiped off the slate. Massive Mark Canvin batted in the longest drive at 327 yards, no doubt aided by the new corset flown in from Paris specially for the event. Nice to see you back, Big Un!SoSad Skroyd slopes off into the sunset after the first round of the Seniors Chumpionship burbling about the conservatory roof and all things domestic - not a pretty sight. Diddy Dave Carsberg re-appears from darkest Broadway and gains a late entry to bring boring repetitiveness to the course, can he keep it up ! Tune in next time. folks!It takes a big man (and he certainly is) to admit when he is wrong and the sight of Honey Monster quaffing pints of the delicious Threakstons is testimony to that. Gone are the protestations and threats to frequent more commercial establishments in the greater Charlton area, the Big Boy is back and tranquillity on the Patio reigns once more; till the next time.It comes to us all. With the approach of the big 5 Ohhh, the friends (or maybe aquaintances) of Red Everett have noted the appearance of a Mercedes E class in the car park and the upgrading of his Power Caddy to the restaurant edition which dispenses hot and cold drinks. Now it may be pure envy, but the general feeling is that the chequered life style is gradually being reined in and since the Missus has started playing, our boy is a spent force. It is certainly having an effect; Honey Monster is lethargic, Merv the Swerve mutters in Croat tongue and The Skipper is thinking of changing his Merc in order not to be tarred with the same brush. The final straw came last week when Red almost lost his cool when asked about the canny signing of Kneeless Michael Owen by Man U; protestations that Liverpool wouldn't touch him with a bargepole were heard several fairways away. 50 really isn't too bad, Red.Some conflict between the Evesham BOZ contingent. Apparently Boz the buzzard has taken umbrage at the recent golfing prowess of his name-sake, Boz the Harris. Currently the feathered Boz has given up his perch near the 4th tee and retreated to the other side of the river, whilst the more rotund version continues to keep his cool with the delicious club Theakstons. Rumour has it that members who have recently been eliminated from the club knockouts by the aforementioned are proposing to wear the emblem EVER BEEN BOZZED? on their Captain's Day tee-shirts. Ready for a brain-teaser, assuming you have one? Local Rugby clubs have a golf knockout competition and Evesham entered a team at the regional round played at Broadway. Previously Master Baker Lawrance played for ERFC, but this year took the high ground and declared for one of Worcester's four teams, citing Premiership status etc. Ex-Chairman Tone took great delight in reporting that not only did none of WRFC teams qualify, but Evesham came through with flying colours and Tiger Tarry was able to laud it over his erstwhile team-mate. Will the egg on the face of Master Pete be found in the latest batch of his fabled egg custards- you will have to buy one to find out!The Ducs Cup qualifier gave us young Jake Payne stroking it round in a gross 71, great knock. New member Lewis "Fishy" Dolphin, a mate of Geoff Sumo Mabbutt, announced his arrival with another net 67 and Web Spy was going to conduct the welcome interview, until he saw Fishy's physique. Clearly, Mabbs and his crew know where to bulk up and Sumo was also seen having a massage at his daughter's beauty place just across the road from the Club, not a pretty sight. But still a lovely lad!So the Oldies beat the Young Uns! "Have it" Symthe and "Scattergun Saggers" triumphed over the lovely Leonardo Haines and Daz Nightingale by 2&1 in the final of the 2008/9 Winter League. Difficult to predict the outcome since the boys were ahead at the turn, only for the heavyweights to charge up late and secure a win; not sure how many balls were lost in the river by Scattergun, suffice to say he averages 4 a week.There must be something about packets of crisps and Evesham Golf Club. Normally placid Matt Langmead got into a strop about the lack of flavour choice in our crisp offerings and insisted the wholesome cheese and onion be stocked forthwith. Rejecting Tess' protestations that they don't sell well, Matt and Mrs Matt have pledged to devour copious packets during the coming weeks just to disprove Boyo Hywel's stocking criteria. Should be good to watch.Signs of Spring on the patio have resulted in an uprising against the new beer recently bought in due to the discontinuation of Bass' Scotch. Our worthy House Chairman chose Theakston bitter as a middle of the road replacement, only for the Honey Monster to throw his many toys out of the pram at the March medal presentation. It was the first confrontational test for Chairman Skroyd, who quickly rounded up the hardened beer drinkers and asked for a vote. The outcome? Honey was last seen wheeling his pram into the car park loudly stating his newly-found affection for Stofers cider. Is it a new era of democracy at EGC? Don't hold your breath, folks.The 2009 emblem of Evesham golf Club has appeared - yes it is BOZ the Buzzard, who could be destined to take over from the famous Keith the Crow. On being informed of the new heir apparent, Chairman Tone was heard to mutter that anything would be an improvement on the crow, but he wondered if this could be a special vegetarian buzzard, thereby safe-guarding his sandwiches from being stolen from the patio. The Mob are not inclined to reveal the true culprit, but suffice to say, Yosser Hughes markedly gained weight during the summer and noticeably lost it since the colder weather has set in.Patio chat has subsided with the onset of colder weather, but the decision to revert to a Saturday for the mixed Triads comp ensured the Mob could get their teeth into yet another meaty topic. It is a well-known medical fact that the onset of age can lead to apoplexy and judging by the colour of some faces during the ensuing rage, we probably need a few more retired doctors as members. Still the recent consumption of port may also have had something to do with it. In the event the fiendish plan evolved over several days was enacted to perfection and several so-called friendly four-balls strolled out five minutes before the competition start time of 1o'clock and proceeded to hold up the course for the next 4 hours. The resulting inquest will be reported without bias in due course.Amazing what a few days of sunshine can do to the mindset of the Mob. Raucous, but controlled laughter rang out on Sunday at the Ryder Cup challenge when Europe defeated America by one point (it can only happen in Evesham) and under the fiendish rules concocted by Six Pack Parker, you could win your match and still end up paying for your opponents meal. Rebellious mutterings were rapidly nipped in the bud by Captain Jerry, who incidentally was an infamous local teacher with an alleged reputation of quelling pupil uprisings with applications of his surname. The recent credit crunch does not appear to have affected the spending of the Patio boys as evidenced by the recent goodwill visit of the Chilean Ambassador to thank the Club for the record consumption of Chilean wine over the past three months. Offers by Chairman Tone to represent the Club in a reciprocal visit to Santiago was overwhelmingly rejected by an immediate vote, despite his plea that he had bought the highest number of bottles. Yosser was overheard commenting that Tone may have drunk the most, but certainly hadn't paid for them. That's what friends are for, Tone!The record rainfall in August has dampened the fire of the Patio Mob, who continue to search for unsuspecting targets. Two rumours need refuting: the patio blind does not house a robin's nest due to lack of use during the so-called summer and the crows have not lost weight due to lack of a supply of chips, although the credit crunch may change that! The large consumption of Peroni Special lager was short-lived; Six Pack Parker reverted to the Stella which has reclaimed No.1 spot and of course our Italian country members have returned to their homeland. C'est la vie as they say across the border.The Skipper is having a whale of a time and may have finally flipped! First the luck; two lady members were sitting on the patio when a golf ball struck the tiled roof of the clubhouse, ricocheted onto the practice putting green and promptly disappeared into a hole. The lucky golfer? El Capitaino! Second the cock-up; earlier this week, the Captain's Away Day in Hereford saw the coach leave at either 9 or 10am depending on which notice board you read. On arrival at the outskirts of Hereford, the driver gets lost and pulls up at a pub car park and El Captaino announces that they had three hours to kill, so pints were downed and the bacon baps planned for breakfast were consumed for lunch. Golf commenced at 1pm instead of 2 and all went reasonably well thereafter. Web Spy has only one question: was the coach driver named Tom? Yes folks, then it would have been the Tom & Jerry show!Pretty quiet on the patio, the Mob even resorting to character assassination of their fellows, but that's about par for the course. Honey Monster accidentally split wine over Exocet Smythe's shoulder during the barbeque and was instructed by the Smythe/Hughes table to pay adequate compensation. Honey, generous to a fault, promptly re-appeared with two bottles, one white;one red and profuse apologies. The Symthe- Hughes were impressed, but failed to notice Honey's smirk as he walked away. Check your bar tab, Smythe!The Patio Mob have passed a resolution asking for a change in the supplier of crisps to the club. Apparently there is a new pack which has air holes to prevent inflation and is guaranteed to be non- rustling. The downside is that it only comes in one flavour - Sour Grapes.An ornithologist's dream? Members who are familiar with the remains of the burnt-out vehicle in the field across the river as it slowly merges into the landscape should be alerted to a recent event. Our worthy Sec, a renowned twitcher, was attempting to play out of the pot bunker on the 15th, when Chairman Tone drew his attention to a voluptuous female draped naked across the foresaid vehicle and in the process of being photographed. JD refused to be put off his stroke and played a magnificent shot to get up and of course down. On leaving the green, he was heard to mutter about the lengths people will go to just to win a hole. And no, dear members, it was not one of ours!Unfair of the Mob to harass Moaner Minton on his 87 in the Club Championship second round, as opposed to his first round 72. Still, unlikely that Richardo will use his normal excuse of " I haven't played for weeks". Thanks go to Ferrari Terry for closing the club on Saturday night, the qualifiers needed to be compus mentis for the Sunday, some clearly failed! The sound of bottles rattling round the course on Sunday even frightened off the crows, and Scrambling Stu's 11 on the 12th only added to the mayhem. Ollie Farrell retained the Frank Swan Trophy for the second year, and Junior Jake took the Championship, suitably surrounded by the Payne heavy mob of Jonathan, Lol and Grandma. Could this be the start of the Payne dynasty? For supporters of Tommy Rambo Walker, Web Spy regrets to report he disappeared with an ugly N/R in the first round, another bet down the tube!Following the intense interest in Pro Dan's apparel line, 3 Evesham members were invited to the recent launch at Wentworth. Large prize if you can identify them in the cycling scene shown on the left of this page.All quiet on the patio apart from Senior Crow "Keith" standing guard outside the Sec's office window. Rumour is that he wants a face to face with Chairman Tone to clear the air but our canny Chairman is plotting a crow trap baited with Gloucester sausage ( well it had to be Gloucester of course). Awaiting developments.The new carpark is taking shape although it was a little premature to drive your truck into the mud, Tommy! On reflection, since it is Tommy, perhaps that should be immature rather than premature. And he needs a new monicker, the suggestion is "Rambo" Walker ; but Web Spy thinks he looks more like the guy from Caddy Shack, they certainly buy clothes from the same place.It must the time of the year, but dress sense has reared its head once again. Historically the peacock of EGC was Tommy Steele with yellow and lilac hues, but at the recent Tri Club event held this year at Burton, Mighty Mouse Callaghan sported a very fetching pair of Burberry check trousers in almost flourescent blue. Pity his game wasn't as colourful! Now folks, determined not to be outdone, the legendary Honey Monster has hit back in delightful Rupert slacks. Web Spy has tracked down the fashion source to a most unlikely culprit, none other than Pocket Dynamo Clee our worthy professional. Any of you cross-dressers out there could have a field day!We know most of the Evesham Seniors are very special, but surely asking the bar staff to wash a pair of muddy trousers in the Club's sink is probably unique. Still, true to Evesham's standard helpfulness, the task was performed without delay or comment and yet another member left the premises with a satisfied smile. Next challenge, boys?If April 1st is Fools Day, then March 31st is surely Trolley Day at Evesham. Sun-blushed Graham Terry brought his newly acquired three wheeled Ferrari truck onto the course and promptly rolled a tyre off the rim on the 7th. Pandemonium ensued and Chairman Tone knackered his back in carrying Gray's clubs to the 9th. Obviously disorientated, Tone then put his own trolley into overdrive and watched it disappear onto the practice area some 200 yards away. Young Ryan Cleary captured the wayward machine and sent it back, unfortunately into a sturdy tree on the 3rd, but the Hill Billy trolly survives to live another day. But for how long, Tone? The postscript to the Ferrari was that a good Samaritan retrieved and returned it to a grateful Gray.
Good job, Vic Job!
We all know the Vale area is a semi micro-climate, but swimming in early March is surely wierd. Well, Daft Dave Kewley on only his 5th hole attempted to retrieve a ball from the Avon and promptly dived in. Not just part of him,folks, but totally submerged. But giving credit to our hero, he clambered out, continued and having thinned a chip at the 7th, realistically blamed a wet glove! And to provide a happy ending, he qualified for the knockout stages of the comp. We await the results of a test for Wiel's disease. Captain Abel's drive-in went very well except for a no-show by Skroyd Askew, who apart from being on death's door for three days, failing to attend the AGM, and sleeping through a call from the pro, will be banned from as many competitions as decreed by the Mens Committee. No, silly Skroyd, it is not a defense to claim that they knew you were sick, what a wimp! And the offer to clean the new mens shower facilities will cut no ice either.Sunday 23rd February was a sad day for the Winter League stalwarts, sorry boys, the party's over! It will no longer be necessary to set the alarm for 7.30, wake up and find it is - 6 C and wonder if the course is open. You have to go in case it is open and then swear loudly when you find there are 9 temporaries and Six Pack Parker is pushing to get you out on the course. But think of the memories in later years. Yeah yeah! The final was triumph for the EGC version of the Chippendales, Leonardo Haines and Dazz Nightingale defeating Trucker Payne and son Jake by 4 & 2. The final stableford competition highlight was the arrival of Mad Mullett, upholding the tradition of the League by standing in as a sub and breaking the record of nuptial bed to first tee in less than 30 minutes. You can do no more, Dave! It is early February and not a lot stirs on the patio apart from the increasing flock of crows, all appearing to have been trained to tap on the glass doors for food or just attention. The flock leader continues to be " Keith" Crow and Chairman Tone has called for drastic action following the recent attack on his plate of sandwiches. In the interest of fair play, Web Spy has delved into the history of Tone and the crows and is pleased to reveal that the antagonism is probably due to the banter between our esteemed Chairman and our much-missed member, Keith Harley, over the England/Wales matches. Could it be related to the recent Welsh victory at Twickenham? Keep the crows, Tone!Well, December has been and gone with little to report other than Ironman Hughes has a new driver as a Christmas present from the lovely Carol which projects the balls miles and frequently straight. The deal was brokered by the Pocket Dynamo, our lovely Dan, who in this case certainly thought Christmas had indeed come early when Mrs Hughes requested his assistance in choosing the gift. Rumours that he sent a thankyou card and a bouquet to the Hughes household have not been confirmed.Mea Culpa! Tommy Steele has threatened redress through the courts due to the erroneous reporting for Captain's Day. He, of course,scored 41 points not 40 and this statement is an abject, grovelling apology to one of Evesham's finest and which should serve to deflect the wrath of the mentally disturbed former captain. But, in hindsight, this seems small beer to the stick he swallowed during the his prominently displayed Gay Icon days during the recent Jersey Jamboree and Web Spy muses about the feelings of Tommy's new-found "friend" at Jersey departure lounge.Scrambling Stu's deferred Captain's Day stableford was a great success, but as always, it became a 'keep it in the family' do. Stu surveyed the course from it's highest point on the 8th, Scott handed out drinks, Dad Paul weighed in with 36 points and the new Evesham Bandit off 18 ,Lanky Lewis wins the comp with 41 points. The Ridley clan sweep up again, but what's new!Back to reality and more frivolous things. The club house is being returned to its former splendour with new carpets and dance floor being laid this week. However, due to the need for floor screeding, Mob members are in fact restricted to the patio area, even if their tiny appendages are shrivelled and blue. Well that's what the Albino looked like! Monday's Pro Am resulted in a win for Mark Butler, a good lad from Sandwell Pines, inspite of having a team comprising Six Pack Parker, Muncher Moore and The McKenzie. Muncher, not normally renouned for his arrow-like iron play,
scored an eagle on the 13th, by holing out from 160 yards and promptly claimed it was all down to
his diet. Strange people about! An excited Six Pack was again ejected from the club late in the
evening and unlike the local badgers, crossed the road on all fours unscathed.
On a more serious note, many members are concerned over the length of time to play a medal competition and moves are afoot to canvas opinion for an experimental period when the semi-rough is extended by at least an additional mowing width. It may not be possible this season, but if enacted, then Spring 2008 would be the target date. Members are invited to give feedback to the Club.Dai from Dubai basked in the glory of a great nett 66 in the Roger Knight and promptly played on the following Monday unable to hit the proverbial cow's posterior, although in his case it is probably a sheep's rectum. The sum total of 11 points over the first nine does not do credit to his normal striking ability. Still his bunker play is flawless, but then it should be if you are based in the Gulf! Yes, normal service is resumed. The Seniors Club Championship broke the members down into two groups; the true Seniors and the Junior seniors. The former sit in the clubhouse smothered in high factor sun block enjoying the odd pint and multiple cups of tea, whilst the unruly lot sit on the patio eying the lovely Beth and Amy and reminiscing on the glory days of Evesham rugby and Coventry soccer. The preferred beverages range from lager, the oh-so-consistent Bass and of course, the Merlot and Rioja. Chairman Tone, having broken even on his multiple bets, sportingly handed over the mantle to The Skroyd, who promptly reduced the occasion to farce by losing the prize vouchers, a classic Seniors move. Chants of 'Alzheimer Al' were ignored. But in view of the excellent condition of the course, the latest vote is to rename the dedicated Chairman of Greens from the somewhat cruel ( although factually correct) Mr Magoo, to the more appropriate 'Gorgeous' George Marston. Enjoy your holiday, my lovely boy!The sun is out, the patio has been swept and the Mob are back in droves! It has taken a little time for the vitriol to resurface, but the lads are working hard on it. Chairman Tone has given a spirited response to the Away Day incident, and on balance it is difficult to disagree, particularly when he is buying the drinks. Dandy Dave Carsberg spluttered and pouted when his new handicap was announced and apart from comments on over-protecting the course by playing the Blue instead of the Red layout, things are back to normal. A dispersal sale of items found on the river hole after the floods will be announced soon. Unfortunately Larry Miller's set of clubs that disappeared into the depths some 10 years ago were not in evidence.The patio remains empty and wet and even the hardiest member of the Mob has failed to venture out. However one bright note from the Fiddler's Away Day at Sapey did emerge. The boys came back to Evesham for a meal and, following tradition, the player losing the most heavily, collects the money from the team. After a democratic vote, Chairman Tone drew the short straw and reluctantly instructed the boys to pass the cash to the top of the table, which immediately drew a point of order and another vote, resulting in Tone having to leave his chair and actually walk around the table. Web Spy wonders if member power is on the increase at Evesham and whether democracy will replace autocracy?Tess has returned from her trekking holiday waxing lyrical over the virtues of a hot tub at the hotel!The idyillic scenario, according to Tess, is sitting in the tub with a glass of white wine gazing at the Welsh mountain range hoping that the bruises from 8 hours of horse-treks will have eased for the next morning. What is unclear is the name of the young waiter serving the drinks!
Bar assistant Jan has introduced a Thai sauce variation to the standard tomato to go with the bowls of chips, but be warned, if you are served by the lovely Beth, she has assumed the role of taster prior to arriving at your table. Her famous smile seems wider than normal.Pretty quiet on the patio, probably due to the Mob being reduced to wearing waterproofs and sipping the Scotch from rainproof containers. Dandy Dave Carsberg's bank manager has awarded him a prize for the most valued customer following the banking of his earnings from the Thursday Fiddle. The rumour that Securicor have a regular collection for him is untrue.Well done to the Yosser Hughes clan who turned out in force at the barbeque and the bouncers reported no problems as the evening evolved. The only mutterings on Saturday night concerned the weather during the Caribbean barbeque since there was upwards of 150 people and the double decker chairs specially brought in for the evening had been snapped up by 8 o'clock. Super chefs Taximan, Honey Monster and Tommy Steele have been approached to cook for England in the European cook-off against Albania, the local judge being our very own Merv the Serb who is a renowned consumer of the test menu comprising tripe, cabbage and aged potatoes. Slightly different from barbeque, but our boys have such talent.A question concerning the size of bowls used for serving the regular and large portions of chips was immediately stifled by the lovely Beth Hughes with a brilliant smile and flick of her pony-tail.Scrambling Stu surpassed himself in the CC second round by losing two balls and taking only 22 putts in his gross 74. He maintains his putting prowess is hereditary, but anyone who has seen Dad Paul putt, will certainly wish to differ!Vice Captain Taximan Cain is desirous of information from the innumerable club matches played by the A, B and C teams and since the bribe was totally acceptable to Web Spy, feast your eyes above.Fabulous Phil returned to winning ways in the Mixed Open, it is not the quality of his golf, just the way he has in choosing partners. The Honey Monster, so rigid and officious in his year of office concerning the dreaded dress code, received his come-uppance from the Mob when cited for wearing studs on his trouser pockets. Hopefully a letter from the Mens Committee (of which his is a member) is winging it's way to the lovely boy. The Skroyd, recipient of much verbal abuse for dress code violation, was seen to smirk his way to the carpark where he collapsed with convulsions of mirth.Motor Mouth Insall is missing the limelight so decided to preform a near impossible trick on the short 16th. First you must shank your tee shot approx 60 degrees down the hill to towards the 5th fairway, then carefully calculating the distance to the elevated green, you shank the next shot into the river! The Mouth protested that a shank is almost a perfect shot, but the Mob were not convinced.If the hole on the 6th green is cut any nearer to the top right edge, then I'll need crampons to play my next shot!"Doc" Cross fancied improving his game by playing with the big boys in the last medal and duely teed off with Wee Jocky and Skroyd. The ploy didn't work and the after- match autopsy took longer than planned with the result that the Doc, Helen and two friends failed to re-appear for the Asparagus Evening at the appointed hour. The good news was that Six Pack Parker received a free meal, courtesy of the defuddled Doc, and the bad news is that it cost the diminutive Scot sixty quid! Web Spy's subsequent call to the Cross household elicited a terse "no comment" from a unnamed lady, and we trust Doc's recent absence from the course is only temporary.The charmingly laid back David " Dandy" Carsberg was playing in the Canada Cups with Chairman Tone and in the course of addressing a birdie putt on the 13th, noticed his trolley meandering down the hill towards the river. Using a totally unexpected turn of speed, Dandy approached the trolley, caught his foot on the path edge and launched himself into the scrubby brambles and nettles. The outcome? Well, the trolley stopped short of the river, Dandy David emerged looking like a tramp and Chairman Tone, full of concern, said "why didn't you putt out first?". The putt, quite naturally under the circumstances, was missed.A new nickname is required for Dave Meredith, who has foresaken the weed for several months now. Rumour has it that Mrs M has joined him in the sacrifice, but does "Fagless" sit as well as "Fag Happy" for our lovely boy?The recent loss to Painswick in the Mail on Sunday competition was placed firmly at the door of Motor Mouth Insall and Wee Jocky Campbell. The general consensus was that MM failed to intimidate his opponent due to chewing gum and WJ was trying out yet another swing adjustment in the ongoing search for perfection.Skroyd Askew's unique dress sense has created a demand for trousers with a waist line finishing just below the arm pit and of course, they must be worn without a belt.